I have wanted to write a post about the emotions you deal with while trying to get pregnant and dealing with infertility for a while but I hate being whiny. This weekend I think I experienced some mini anxeity from being upset about the personhood bill that passed the Virginia House of Delegates and the consequences it could have on infertility treatments. After the anxeity episode i had last time, I knew I had to deal with my feelings better so screw being worried about coming off as whiny.
And a quick update on my situation. Doctor said that the metformin is working based on the horrible cramps I had last month. She told me after a year of trying which will be in May, we would start what she called the infertility work up to ensure that I am having problems with infertility. After some tests and ovulation monitoring, I would go on clomid which is a fertility drug which promotes ovulation. If that doesn't work after going up to a certain dosage, I would go to the Jones Institute for further treatment.
As much as I try to be positive about dealing with PCOS and trying to get pregnant, the emotions do catch up with me. Usually it happens when it's just me and my thoughts. I try to keep it in the back of my mind but from time to time, infertility rears its ugly head. Sometimes I just tear up and can usually stop myself. Sometimes it's a few tears. Sometimes it's out right bawling. This doesn't happen often. But last night, it happened in front of Lee. I can't remember what brought it on. Probably something about all that I'm doing to get pregnant. Taking 3 pills a day, losing weight (which I'm not complaining about, it's nice seeing the results of my hard work), and giving up alcohol. Not that I am a lush :) Giving it up has gotten rid of drinking empty calories. No matter what brought it on, it happened. I tried to hold it back but I think in doing so I realized I had never really expressed my feelings to him about the whole thing. I just let it go. Lee did what any good husband could do. He held me and listened. Below is a combination of what I told him inbetween sobs and what I have already felt.
I told him how it has just been hard. It's hard to push infertility into the back of your mind when pregnancy and babies are everywhere. You are truly, truly, genuinely happy for those that are pregnant. How can anyone not be?! But then you start to think about your situation and ask "when will it be my turn?" It even leads to some resentment. It is horrible to say that but I have to be honest with myself and also so people know what it is like to deal with infertility. But then you feel bad about being resentful. Emotional. Roller. Coaster.
Lee tried to reassure me that it will happen us but in the back of my mind I can't help but think "What if it doesn't?" There is a lot of waiting when dealing with infertility and it's hard not to be impatient. To wait all that time and to put so much effort into something, only not to get the result you want. Yes, we are open to adoption but that is even more waiting. I try not to think about all this but it is always there. It's easier to say it than to do it.
Last Friday, I heard news coverage of the personhood legislation and an excerpt of a statement from a woman experiencing infertility. When I tried to find the full excerpt online, I came across the woman's blog. In short, her and her husband have been trying for six years. They have tried IVF six times, five resulted in pregnancy but all miscarried. They have decided to try suragacy. While reading her blog I came across her post What You Say, What I Hear in which she wrote "I have to protect myself. So, if I don’t seem happy for you, it’s not that–I’m just trying to keep myself sane." This is very true. I am very happy for you if you are pregnant so don't worry about telling me you are. I'm not trying to take away from your great news, try to get sympathy and make it about me. Just know that if I seem kind of off about it, I'm just dealing with myself.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Weight In 2/15
Quick post since I don't have time to talk about my appointment today. I will post about that later. Total weight loss is at 29 lbs. Not too bad.
Weight: 227.2 lbs
Waist: 46
Hips: 46
Band 41.5
Bust 50.5
Weight: 227.2 lbs
Waist: 46
Hips: 46
Band 41.5
Bust 50.5
Monday, January 30, 2012
1/30 Weigh In: Downsized
Mini goal #1 met! I have broken 230 lbs! That's a 22 lb weight loss from when I first started back in September. I wonder how much I would have lost if I was more diligent when I first started. Oh well, I'm doing it now. I have now lost an inch in my waist and 1.5 inches in my bust. I have definitely noticed these changes because my shirts are looking too big on me lately and my bras feel a tiny bit bigger. Then today I tried on a smaller jean size and they fit! How excited was I in the dressing room. But I couldn't buy them because they were too long. Story of my life ha!
Weight: 229.8
Waist: 46
Hips: 46
Band 41.5
Bust 50.5
Weight: 229.8
Waist: 46
Hips: 46
Band 41.5
Bust 50.5
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What Not To Say and What To Say To Someone Going Through Infertility
I am reposting this from another blog about a woman who has dealt with fertility issues. You can see the original post from Baroness von Barrenness here. But to make it easy so you won't have to read her blog then come back to my page to read my comments, I will just copy and paste certain things and add my comments in italics if I have them.
What Not To Say To Someone Dealing With Infertility
"...The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse."
The first paragraph of her post explains it all so well so that is why I'm passing this along to help in the event that you meet someone not as nice as me and you get your head chewed off. Yes these things are said with good intentions but it doesn't mean they are taken that way by a person going through an emotional roller coaster.
1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.
I have gotten this one quite a few times. And when it is said to me, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. But I'm not. I am doing every possible thing I can do right. I'm watching what I eat, I'm exercising, I'm taking medication 3 times a day to balance my hormones to help with ovulation, and we are paying off debt militantly. I had PCOS before I was trying to get pregnant and I was probably more relaxed then than I am now so that argument doesn't hold water. Stress in regards to infertility isn't the cause, it is the effect.
2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.
What also can be added here is "Don't worry, <insert names> had infertility problems and they got pregnant." Every couple's situation is different so people can't be compared.
3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.
As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.
4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.
Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?
5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.
6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.
7. "I hope it's worth it."
I wanted to add this one. I have never had this said to me and I hope I never will. I have been very polite to people if they have said any of the things above (luckily it has only been #1 and #4) but I think this will be the one that will push me other the edge. I will probably either lash out completely or break down and cry when explaining why everything I'm going through is worth it. Obviously, if I want a baby, I'm going to go through anything possible. Ask any parent whether their children were worth it.
What Not To Say To Someone Dealing With Infertility
"...The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse."
The first paragraph of her post explains it all so well so that is why I'm passing this along to help in the event that you meet someone not as nice as me and you get your head chewed off. Yes these things are said with good intentions but it doesn't mean they are taken that way by a person going through an emotional roller coaster.
1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.
I have gotten this one quite a few times. And when it is said to me, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. But I'm not. I am doing every possible thing I can do right. I'm watching what I eat, I'm exercising, I'm taking medication 3 times a day to balance my hormones to help with ovulation, and we are paying off debt militantly. I had PCOS before I was trying to get pregnant and I was probably more relaxed then than I am now so that argument doesn't hold water. Stress in regards to infertility isn't the cause, it is the effect.
2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.
What also can be added here is "Don't worry, <insert names> had infertility problems and they got pregnant." Every couple's situation is different so people can't be compared.
3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.
As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.
4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.
Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?
5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.
6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.
7. "I hope it's worth it."
I wanted to add this one. I have never had this said to me and I hope I never will. I have been very polite to people if they have said any of the things above (luckily it has only been #1 and #4) but I think this will be the one that will push me other the edge. I will probably either lash out completely or break down and cry when explaining why everything I'm going through is worth it. Obviously, if I want a baby, I'm going to go through anything possible. Ask any parent whether their children were worth it.
What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?
1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
Or any variation of "You are doing everything you possible" Or "I hope everything works out." This last statment may contradict a bit for the above #2 but to me this is comforting.
2. "May I ask what your options are?"
Instead of making suggestions like the ones said above. Simply ask what the couple is doing to help them address their infertility issues.
2. "May I ask what your options are?"
Instead of making suggestions like the ones said above. Simply ask what the couple is doing to help them address their infertility issues.
3. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.
4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.
The blogger posted this at the end of her post "I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening." Like the blogger posted at the beginning, if I don't say anything then it will just keep happening if not to me then to another person. Why should I be sensitive to them if they can't be sensitive to me even if they don't know it. I will try to say my response in the most politest way possible and by telling them they can be sensitive to me next time.
I know some of these infertility posts can come off as whiny. If you feel that way, don't read them. I need an outlet and posting is the best way I can get it out there without me feeling like I am complaining to my friends too much. After the anxiety episode I had two weeks ago, I realized I wasn't managing my stress well enough. I wasn't relaying my feelings like I should have and was rather internalizing them. Here is a place to spill it out all out.
And another thing I should add that I have noticed while reading other people's infertility blogs or posts, are friends being worried about talking about their kids or pregnancies. I will just say don't be. I'm happy for you and my situation shouldn't impact you sharing your joy.
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.
The blogger posted this at the end of her post "I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening." Like the blogger posted at the beginning, if I don't say anything then it will just keep happening if not to me then to another person. Why should I be sensitive to them if they can't be sensitive to me even if they don't know it. I will try to say my response in the most politest way possible and by telling them they can be sensitive to me next time.
I know some of these infertility posts can come off as whiny. If you feel that way, don't read them. I need an outlet and posting is the best way I can get it out there without me feeling like I am complaining to my friends too much. After the anxiety episode I had two weeks ago, I realized I wasn't managing my stress well enough. I wasn't relaying my feelings like I should have and was rather internalizing them. Here is a place to spill it out all out.
And another thing I should add that I have noticed while reading other people's infertility blogs or posts, are friends being worried about talking about their kids or pregnancies. I will just say don't be. I'm happy for you and my situation shouldn't impact you sharing your joy.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Fad Diet? No, Thanks. Lifestyle Change? Yes, Please!
I knew when I started this weight loss I didn't want to do any special fad kind of diet. I needed a lifestyle change. I needed to change how I ate, how much I ate, and needed to exercise. I knew if I restricted myself to only certain foods, it wasn't going to last. If I was going to rely on packaged meals, shakes, bars, etc., it wasn't going to last. I needed to eat the foods I regularly eat if I was going to keep this up. I read this one weight loss book called "The Skinny" that was about how to diet without going hungry. Much what the author said made sense. Especially if you limit yourself and/or have a cheat day then you will begin to idealize food and will start to crave it and possibly binge. With that in mind, I decided I wasn't going to limit myself and feel bad if I had an occasional candy bar or hamburger here or there. I would know that I was good on my weekly calories (I don't count daily calories, counting weekly makes it easier to stay motivated) so the occasional indulgence will be fine but I won't have a specific cheat/treat day.
Monday, January 16, 2012
I'm Not Going To Be Pregnant Fat
One of the greatest things that has come out of this pregnancy problem is my weight loss. I knew I wanted to lose some weight before I got pregnant but I couldn't kick start it. Finally I was fed up with it. Having to pay extra for bigger clothes. My boobs being so damn big and not being able to wear cute bras. Then there are all the health problems that come along with being overweight. I knew I wanted to be pregnant and for people to know it. Not for people to be afraid to ask if I was pregnant or not. Not to be pregnant fat but just pregnant.
When it came to time to go off birth control, I knew I wasn't at the weight I wanted to be. I worried about gestational diabetes. If giving birth was going to be harder. It sucks that I'm not pregnant yet but at least it gives me time to lose some pounds.
I'm a day late on the post. Oh well. Lost two pounds, lost 1/2 inch in my waist, and 1 inch in my bust. Not much on the weight loss. But there was XMAS, New Years and the anxiety episode but at least its a loss.
Weight: 234.6
Waist: 46.5
Hip: 46
Band: 42
Bust: 51
When it came to time to go off birth control, I knew I wasn't at the weight I wanted to be. I worried about gestational diabetes. If giving birth was going to be harder. It sucks that I'm not pregnant yet but at least it gives me time to lose some pounds.
I'm a day late on the post. Oh well. Lost two pounds, lost 1/2 inch in my waist, and 1 inch in my bust. Not much on the weight loss. But there was XMAS, New Years and the anxiety episode but at least its a loss.
Weight: 234.6
Waist: 46.5
Hip: 46
Band: 42
Bust: 51
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Me? Anxious? No Way! Umm...Apparently So.
So apparently even I, one of the most laid backed people you will probably know, gets anxiety.
For the past couple of days, I have had this weird breathing where I can't seem to catch a breath every so often. I have had this in the past but it never lasted that long. Only about a night. I feel like I have to yawn to get a full breath in. I was worried that I was having a reaction to the metformin because one of the RARE side effects is lactose acidosis where lactose builds up in my blood. The metformin I guess messes up the function of my liver where it can't get rid of the lactose. This has been going on for about four days. Instead of calling my doctor. I ignored it. Why! Why would I do this!!
Finally, today while driving to work, I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around, went home and waited until I could call my doctor. In the mean time, I googled my breathing symptom because it didn't quite match up to the lactose acidosis symptom. This calmed me down some. The nurse confirmed that it sounded like anxiety since I had this before. She also said you can be anxious without even knowing it.
I guess I'm more stressed out about this PCOS than I thought. I just need to relax...but not in order to get pregnant. I need to relax for my own mental health. This is my own thing I am going through and I need to realize that one month of metformin won't cause me to get pregnant. I just have to wait for it to take effect. Relaxing meanings, I need to realize that I'm not in control. I can't will my hormones to level out. No amount of relaxing will change my hormones enough to make me ovulate. Only time and medication will do that. When my hormones aren't out of wack, then maybe I'll get pregnant.
Infertility is a disease. Try telling a cancer patient they should just relax. If you have said "Just relax" before, don't feel bad. You didn't know. And frankly, if you haven't really TRIED to get pregnant (and also had problems trying), you don't what it's like. Try waiting each month, hoping you don't get a certain visit because you have been waiting, hoping, to be pregnant because it's something you want. Something you didn't think you wanted.
I just have to calm down to control the anxiety, let go of the pressure I am putting on myself and let go of control of my uterus. Oh and maybe call my doctor sooner when I have a problem!
For the past couple of days, I have had this weird breathing where I can't seem to catch a breath every so often. I have had this in the past but it never lasted that long. Only about a night. I feel like I have to yawn to get a full breath in. I was worried that I was having a reaction to the metformin because one of the RARE side effects is lactose acidosis where lactose builds up in my blood. The metformin I guess messes up the function of my liver where it can't get rid of the lactose. This has been going on for about four days. Instead of calling my doctor. I ignored it. Why! Why would I do this!!
Finally, today while driving to work, I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around, went home and waited until I could call my doctor. In the mean time, I googled my breathing symptom because it didn't quite match up to the lactose acidosis symptom. This calmed me down some. The nurse confirmed that it sounded like anxiety since I had this before. She also said you can be anxious without even knowing it.
I guess I'm more stressed out about this PCOS than I thought. I just need to relax...but not in order to get pregnant. I need to relax for my own mental health. This is my own thing I am going through and I need to realize that one month of metformin won't cause me to get pregnant. I just have to wait for it to take effect. Relaxing meanings, I need to realize that I'm not in control. I can't will my hormones to level out. No amount of relaxing will change my hormones enough to make me ovulate. Only time and medication will do that. When my hormones aren't out of wack, then maybe I'll get pregnant.
Infertility is a disease. Try telling a cancer patient they should just relax. If you have said "Just relax" before, don't feel bad. You didn't know. And frankly, if you haven't really TRIED to get pregnant (and also had problems trying), you don't what it's like. Try waiting each month, hoping you don't get a certain visit because you have been waiting, hoping, to be pregnant because it's something you want. Something you didn't think you wanted.
I just have to calm down to control the anxiety, let go of the pressure I am putting on myself and let go of control of my uterus. Oh and maybe call my doctor sooner when I have a problem!
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