What Not To Say and What To Say To Someone Going Through Infertility

I am reposting this from another blog about a woman who has dealt with fertility issues. You can see the original post from Baroness von Barrenness here. But to make it easy so you won't have to read her blog then come back to my page to read my comments, I will just copy and paste certain things and add my comments in italics if I have them.


What Not To Say To Someone Dealing With Infertility


"...The insensitive things said to us, usually by people who mean well and are actually trying to be helpful, is astounding. But too often when these things are said to us, we don't know how to react or what to say in response. Too often we don't say anything because we don't want to offend the offender. All too often we know that the person will become defensive and won't hear what we're trying to say. And so the person never even learns that they've hurt our feelings or made things worse."


The first paragraph of her post explains it all so well so that is why I'm passing this along to help in the event that you meet someone not as nice as me and you get your head chewed off. Yes these things are said with good intentions but it doesn't mean they are taken that way by a person going through an emotional roller coaster.


1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.


I have gotten this one quite a few times. And when it is said to me, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. But I'm not. I am doing every possible thing I can do right. I'm watching what I eat, I'm exercising, I'm taking medication 3 times a day to balance my hormones to help with ovulation, and we are paying off debt militantly. I had PCOS before I was trying to get pregnant and I was probably more relaxed then than I am now so that argument doesn't hold water. Stress in regards to infertility isn't the cause, it is the effect. 


2. "Don't worry. It'll happen." 
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.


What also can be added here is "Don't worry, <insert names> had infertility problems and they got pregnant." Every couple's situation is different so people can't be compared.


3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.
As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.


4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.
Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?


5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. But first consider that the woman you're trying to help may not believe in God or may not have the same beliefs that you do. (And religious beliefs are a conversation to be had completely separate from the one this woman wants to have with you about her infertility.) In that case she's likely to dismiss this suggestion, which makes it not a very helpful suggestion, so don't bother.Second, a woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.


6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.


7. "I hope it's worth it."
I wanted to add this one. I have never had this said to me and I hope I never will. I have been very polite to people if they have said any of the things above (luckily it has only been #1 and #4) but I think this will be the one that will push me other the edge. I will probably either lash out completely or break down and cry when explaining why everything I'm going through is worth it. Obviously, if I want a baby, I'm going to go through anything possible. Ask any parent whether their children were worth it. 

What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?

1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

Or any variation of  "You are doing everything you possible" Or "I hope everything works out."  This last statment may contradict a bit for the above #2 but to me this is comforting.


2. "May I ask what your options are?"
Instead of making suggestions like the ones said above. Simply ask what the couple is doing to help them address their infertility issues.

3. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.

4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.


The blogger posted this at the end of her post "I didn't want this post to come off as a preachy lecture. But I've heard of some truly insulting and insensitive things said to infertile women and hope that this will help prevent even a few occasions of that happening." Like the blogger posted at the beginning, if I don't say anything then it will just keep happening if not to me then to another person. Why should I be sensitive to them if they can't be sensitive to me even if they don't know it. I will try to say my response in the most politest way possible and by telling them they can be sensitive to me next time.


I know some of these infertility posts can come off as whiny. If you feel that way, don't read them. I need an outlet and posting is the best way I can get it out there without me feeling like I am complaining to my friends too much. After the anxiety episode I had two weeks ago, I realized I wasn't managing my stress well enough. I wasn't relaying my feelings like I should have and was rather internalizing them. Here is a place to spill it out all out. 


And another thing I should add that I have noticed while reading other people's infertility blogs or posts, are friends being worried about talking about their kids or pregnancies. I will just say don't be. I'm happy for you and my situation shouldn't impact you sharing your joy.