I have wanted to write a post about the emotions you deal with while trying to get pregnant and dealing with infertility for a while but I hate being whiny. This weekend I think I experienced some mini anxeity from being upset about the personhood bill that passed the Virginia House of Delegates and the consequences it could have on infertility treatments. After the anxeity episode i had last time, I knew I had to deal with my feelings better so screw being worried about coming off as whiny.
And a quick update on my situation. Doctor said that the metformin is working based on the horrible cramps I had last month. She told me after a year of trying which will be in May, we would start what she called the infertility work up to ensure that I am having problems with infertility. After some tests and ovulation monitoring, I would go on clomid which is a fertility drug which promotes ovulation. If that doesn't work after going up to a certain dosage, I would go to the Jones Institute for further treatment.
As much as I try to be positive about dealing with PCOS and trying to get pregnant, the emotions do catch up with me. Usually it happens when it's just me and my thoughts. I try to keep it in the back of my mind but from time to time, infertility rears its ugly head. Sometimes I just tear up and can usually stop myself. Sometimes it's a few tears. Sometimes it's out right bawling. This doesn't happen often. But last night, it happened in front of Lee. I can't remember what brought it on. Probably something about all that I'm doing to get pregnant. Taking 3 pills a day, losing weight (which I'm not complaining about, it's nice seeing the results of my hard work), and giving up alcohol. Not that I am a lush :) Giving it up has gotten rid of drinking empty calories. No matter what brought it on, it happened. I tried to hold it back but I think in doing so I realized I had never really expressed my feelings to him about the whole thing. I just let it go. Lee did what any good husband could do. He held me and listened. Below is a combination of what I told him inbetween sobs and what I have already felt.
I told him how it has just been hard. It's hard to push infertility into the back of your mind when pregnancy and babies are everywhere. You are truly, truly, genuinely happy for those that are pregnant. How can anyone not be?! But then you start to think about your situation and ask "when will it be my turn?" It even leads to some resentment. It is horrible to say that but I have to be honest with myself and also so people know what it is like to deal with infertility. But then you feel bad about being resentful. Emotional. Roller. Coaster.
Lee tried to reassure me that it will happen us but in the back of my mind I can't help but think "What if it doesn't?" There is a lot of waiting when dealing with infertility and it's hard not to be impatient. To wait all that time and to put so much effort into something, only not to get the result you want. Yes, we are open to adoption but that is even more waiting. I try not to think about all this but it is always there. It's easier to say it than to do it.
Last Friday, I heard news coverage of the personhood legislation and an excerpt of a statement from a woman experiencing infertility. When I tried to find the full excerpt online, I came across the woman's blog. In short, her and her husband have been trying for six years. They have tried IVF six times, five resulted in pregnancy but all miscarried. They have decided to try suragacy. While reading her blog I came across her post What You Say, What I Hear in which she wrote "I have to protect myself. So, if I don’t seem happy for you, it’s not that–I’m just trying to keep myself sane." This is very true. I am very happy for you if you are pregnant so don't worry about telling me you are. I'm not trying to take away from your great news, try to get sympathy and make it about me. Just know that if I seem kind of off about it, I'm just dealing with myself.
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