Until Next Time Infertility!

I have been meaning to write this for a while now so better late than never.

As many of our family and friends already know, we are pregnant!! I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. I (and Lee) still can't believe it. I honestly thought it was going to take longer than it did. We tried for a year exactly which would have been around the time my doctor said we would start the next step dealing with infertility. Fertility drugs.

So let me back up a few weeks that led up to this discovery (some might be TMI but that's a part of baby stuff). A week before we went on vacation, I noticed some cramping but these cramps felt different and weren't around the usual time of my monthly cramping. While on vacation, I had some spotting off and on which I wasn't sure was due to a little embryo implanting or my body deciding to skip a cycle yet again. When I started spotting for the third time in a few days, I got so tired it and just started crying. I was internally yelling at my uterus and telling it to make up its effin' mind. Because yelling at a body part makes total sense!

After our week away and still nothing, I bought a test. Well the 3 pack. Have to go with a deal! If you haven't taken a pregnancy test before, you really should wait until your first morning bathroom visit but after 3 hrs of having the test, I couldn't wait anymore. Took the test and set it aside to finish, um well, peeing. I just happened to look over and there it was...the coveted two pink lines! So there I was, peeing and pregnant. I never thought I would ever cry on a toilet.

Lee was over at the neighbor's house so I had to come up with a way to get him home. "Something is wrong with the computer" guaranteed a no questions asked return home. I put the test by the computer and waited. He came in, stood in the hallway and just asked "What is wrong with it?" I told him to go look at the computer. Lee saw the test and asked "two lines means you're pregnant right?" When I told him a blubbering yes. He hugged me and lifted me off the ground. I swear he was a little misty eyed.

So here we are. Having our occasional "Oh #%@! we are having a baby" moments. After two ultrasounds so far, everything is going well. The baby was moving around quite a bit during the last one. Nausea hasn't been bad and is pretty much gone despite a few occurrences here and there. Even if it did last longer, I am thankful for it because it means we got what we were fighting for.

I'm still on the metformin until the end of my first trimester. I remember hearing that it helps me keep the baby. So now we know for the next one because I'm sure the PCOS will play a factor. Unless I lose even more weight and PCOS might not be a problem anymore.

One thing I am really thankful for is finding an Infertility Awareness Facebook page. It was nice to know that there were other people out there that were dealing with the same thing we were. It may not have been as long of a journey as other's but it was still our journey.

Boobs Begone!

Ugh! I have missed my last two posts. Probably because I have just been bored the last couple of weeks with working out and counting calories. I would probably only work out two times a week when my usual is five. I would do fine during the week with my calorie counting but the weekends weren't the greatest on counting or food choices. But I'm back! With some new motivation because I gained a pound or two :-/ But with some working out I'm below the weight of my last weigh in. I have decided to pick up my workouts a bit. I used to only burn 500 calories so I'm going to push myself a bit further up to 800 calories.

I'm posting a few days earlier than usual because I will be going on vacation this weekend up to Toronto and Niagara Falls. I'm going to try to be good. Big emphasis on try. I'll probably try to have two good meals and one splurge meal. What is in my favor is that by being in the city, we are going to be walking a lot!

So the numbers. Still the same in my waist and hips. What is great is that I have gone down a cup size! Good thing I didin't throw away some old barely worn bras!

Waist: 44 inches
Hips: 44 inches
Bust: 49 inches
Band: 40 inches

Infertility - 2, Lee&Whit - 0

I heard back from my doctor's office about Lee's test results. Low motility. Lazy lil bastards! Not only do we have to deal with womanly infertility but now we possibly have to deal with manly infertility too. My doctor wants him to retake the test in a couple of weeks to confirm the results. If the results are the same, he has to go to a urologist to get checked out.

After I hung up the phone, I went numb. I wanted to fall apart. I used to hate crying but now I guess you can say I have embraced it. It relieves my stress, lets me get out some frustration and it doesn't mean I'm weak at all. The last thing I need is to have another anxiety attack. That one a couple of months ago was my first and my last! I will gladly cry then deal with that mess. I was at work though and I didn't want to have an awkward moment with my boss so I managed to hold it back. 

I told Lee the results when I got home and as usual he was calm about it. Surprised but calm. When I told him  that I almost broke down at work. He told me we still have to retest so I shouldn't get worked up about it. Sometimes I want him to be as worried as much as I am. I guess because I feel like if he worries like I do, he wants a baby really bad. But then that would leave two nervous people and we don't need that! And how he reacts to stress is no indication his desire to have a baby by any means. I'm thankful for his calm demeanor because it keeps me grounded with this whole situation and my usually laid back self needs that.  

Yeah this possible situation sucks but then I got to thinking. Before we found this out, if I wasn't pregnant by May (that marks the 1 year of trying to conceive which means infertility), I would have been put on fertility drugs for who knows how long. But now with possible lazy swimmers, what is the point of trying the "natural" way with fertility drugs if they can't reach the egg in the first place. Does that mean we can just bypass the "natural" way and go straight to in vitro fertilization (IVF)? That cuts out who knows how many months of trying!

The specific procedure that would be done is called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICPS). During regular IVF, a woman's eggs (after she has taken some drugs to cause her to produce many eggs) are removed from her ovaries and put into a petri dish. The sperm is add to the petri dish to fertilize the eggs outside the body (in vitro). The strongest looking fertilized egg is transplanted back into the woman in hopes that the result will be a successful pregnancy. In the case of ICPS, a single sperm is injected into the egg instead of allowing the sperm to do it themselves. That is your health lesson for the day :)

Maybe there is a silver lining in all of this (possible) male infertility...

Weigh In: 3/15 Mini Goal #2 Met

I have met one of my goals! I am under 220 pounds. That brings my total weight loss to 37 pounds!! Only 43 pounds until my goal. I tried on my summer clothes and out of 12 pairs of capris/shorts, I only kept 3 pairs and 2 of those were for yard work. I went through other pants and I'm getting rid of 18 other pairs of pants. Wow that is a lot of pants! I should have given them away a long time ago. But some of them I was saving so I could fit into them when I lost weight. Surprise! Surprise! When I tried them on and they were too big! Since I don't have anymore summer stuff, I'm going to go shopping this weekend. I'm only going to buy a few basic things since I plan on losing more. Maybe if I like something enough, I will buy the smaller size. When I reach my goal, I plan on going all out with shopping!

Weight - 219 pounds
Waist - 44 inches
Hips - 44 inches
Bust - 50 inches
Band - 41 inches

Happiness Despite the Malfunctioning Ovaries

Lately on my commute into work, I have noticed that I have this sense of calming happiness. Despite dealing with the emotional roller coaster ride of infertility, I am truly happy. How can I not be though? I have an amazing, supportive husband. I have a great family, both immediate and all of my in-laws. And I have to say, I lucked out in the in-law department after hearing some of the stories from friends about theirs. I have a job that I enjoy with a company that really looks after its employees. I have friends that after hearing about my infertility, are sympathetic to my situation and want to know more about infertility. The bonds between some of my current friends have grown stronger and I have reconnected with some old friends that have gone through similar situations. I am losing weight and getting healthy. I feel awesome. I'm loving the way I look. Then I can't forget my two pups. They always seem to know the exact time I need some cuddles.

I guess this happiness is the reason why I want to participate and/or donate to some charities lately. I started a Relay For Life team to raise cancer awareness for the June 1st relay event. My mom and my grandmother are cancer survivors so I wanted to help raise awareness. I am going to start using my couponing skills to get some items really cheap so I can donate them to a local domestic violence charity. I'm even considering volunteering for their after school tutoring program. It was very important to me to better myself so I didn't have to depend on my husband/boyfriend and feel trapped in a bad relationship (in the event I was ever in one) because I had nowhere to go. I wanted to pay it forward and help victims and their children start over.

All in All. I'm pretty happy. Now if only the ovaries would get in gear..

3/1 Weigh In

I have officially lost 30 pounds! Just 50 more to go until my goal weight. Friends and I are having a little weight loss competition so we can all get skinny for the cruise we are going on. I have to lose 35 pounds by August 31st. That's six months to lose 15% of my current body weight. It's only 10 pounds away from my final goal. When I reach that, I will have lost 30% of my starting body weight :)

Here are the numbers. I'm starting to think I should measured my true waist and not just around my stomach. Oh well.
Weight - 225 pounds
Waist - 45 inches
Hips - 44 inches
Bust - 50.5 inches
Band 41 inches

Infertility: An Emotional Roller Coaster

I have wanted to write a post about the emotions you deal with while trying to get pregnant and dealing with infertility for a while but I hate being whiny. This weekend I think I experienced some mini anxeity from being upset about the personhood bill that passed the Virginia House of Delegates and the consequences it could have on infertility treatments. After the anxeity episode i had last time, I knew I had to deal with my feelings better so screw being worried about coming off as whiny.

And a quick update on my situation. Doctor said that the metformin is working based on the horrible cramps I had last month. She told me after a year of trying which will be in May, we would start what she called the infertility work up to ensure that I am having problems with infertility. After some tests and ovulation monitoring, I would go on clomid which is a fertility drug which promotes ovulation. If that doesn't work after going up to a certain dosage, I would go to the Jones Institute for further treatment.

As much as I try to be positive about dealing with PCOS and trying to get pregnant, the emotions do catch up with me. Usually it happens when it's just me and my thoughts. I try to keep it in the back of my mind but from time to time, infertility rears its ugly head. Sometimes I just tear up and can usually stop myself. Sometimes it's a few tears. Sometimes it's out right bawling. This doesn't happen often. But last night, it happened in front of Lee. I can't remember what brought it on. Probably something about all that I'm doing to get pregnant. Taking 3 pills a day, losing weight (which I'm not complaining about, it's nice seeing the results of my hard work), and giving up alcohol. Not that I am a lush :) Giving it up has gotten rid of drinking empty calories. No matter what brought it on, it happened. I tried to hold it back but I think in doing so I realized I had never really expressed my feelings to him about the whole thing. I just let it go. Lee did what any good husband could do. He held me and listened. Below is a combination of what I told him inbetween sobs and what I have already felt.

I told him how it has just been hard. It's hard to push infertility into the back of your mind when pregnancy and babies are everywhere. You are truly, truly, genuinely happy for those that are pregnant. How can anyone not be?! But then you start to think about your situation and ask "when will it be my turn?" It even leads to some resentment.  It is horrible to say that but I have to be honest with myself and also so people know what it is like to deal with infertility.  But then you feel bad about being resentful. Emotional. Roller. Coaster.

Lee tried to reassure me that it will happen us but in the back of my mind I can't help but think "What if it doesn't?" There is a lot of waiting when dealing with infertility and it's hard not to be impatient. To wait all that time and to put so much effort into something, only not to get the result you want. Yes, we are open to adoption but that is even more waiting. I try not to think about all this but it is always there. It's easier to say it than to do it.

Last Friday, I heard news coverage of the personhood legislation and an excerpt of a statement from a woman experiencing infertility. When I tried to find the full excerpt online, I came across the woman's blog. In short, her and her husband have been trying for six years. They have tried IVF six times, five resulted in pregnancy but all miscarried. They have decided to try suragacy. While reading her blog I came across her post What You Say, What I Hear in which she wrote "I have to protect myself.  So, if I don’t seem happy for you, it’s not that–I’m just trying to keep myself sane." This is very true. I am very happy for you if you are pregnant so don't worry about telling me you are. I'm not trying to take away from your great news, try to get sympathy and make it about me. Just know that if I seem kind of off about it, I'm just dealing with myself.