After I hung up the phone, I went numb. I wanted to fall apart. I used to hate crying but now I guess you can say I have embraced it. It relieves my stress, lets me get out some frustration and it doesn't mean I'm weak at all. The last thing I need is to have another anxiety attack. That one a couple of months ago was my first and my last! I will gladly cry then deal with that mess. I was at work though and I didn't want to have an awkward moment with my boss so I managed to hold it back.
I told Lee the results when I got home and as usual he was calm about it. Surprised but calm. When I told him that I almost broke down at work. He told me we still have to retest so I shouldn't get worked up about it. Sometimes I want him to be as worried as much as I am. I guess because I feel like if he worries like I do, he wants a baby really bad. But then that would leave two nervous people and we don't need that! And how he reacts to stress is no indication his desire to have a baby by any means. I'm thankful for his calm demeanor because it keeps me grounded with this whole situation and my usually laid back self needs that.
Yeah this possible situation sucks but then I got to thinking. Before we found this out, if I wasn't pregnant by May (that marks the 1 year of trying to conceive which means infertility), I would have been put on fertility drugs for who knows how long. But now with possible lazy swimmers, what is the point of trying the "natural" way with fertility drugs if they can't reach the egg in the first place. Does that mean we can just bypass the "natural" way and go straight to in vitro fertilization (IVF)? That cuts out who knows how many months of trying!
The specific procedure that would be done is called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICPS). During regular IVF, a woman's eggs (after she has taken some drugs to cause her to produce many eggs) are removed from her ovaries and put into a petri dish. The sperm is add to the petri dish to fertilize the eggs outside the body (in vitro). The strongest looking fertilized egg is transplanted back into the woman in hopes that the result will be a successful pregnancy. In the case of ICPS, a single sperm is injected into the egg instead of allowing the sperm to do it themselves. That is your health lesson for the day :)
Maybe there is a silver lining in all of this (possible) male infertility...
It will be or it will not be. To tie up emotions in the uncontrollable is to set yourself up for let downs. We are lucky to live when we do, because we are able to apply partial control to the formerly uncontrollable (fertility treatments). We have options and we have each other. I dare to say we will prevail in our goal to rear children even if it means adopting.
ReplyDeleteI know. I just want it now :)
ReplyDeleteWe go back to the Dr. Thrusday. I am a nervous wreck about it. We wont know anything else Thrusday, maybe go over some of my blood work with the actual Dr. instead of her nurse. However, she told me she would NOT put me on fertility meds until he is checked as well. That gave me comfort that she is actually going to make sure everything is working right before we even attempt that. Unsure how I feel about the drugs in the first place, I want to be gun ho, and agree to take them. However, part of me thinks "well what if we aren't supposed to have babies in the first place? If I take those and the baby isn't healthy, I will think well those fertility meds could have caused this".....sigh...4 years and still TTC'n....ready for the journey to be over. =) Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteMy doctor is ruling everything out too. Before I would be put on fertility drugs, she says women dealing with infertility have to do this "inferility work up." After one year of TTC, I would have to get an ultrasound of my uterus to make sure it's healthy (check), Lee tested (check), have bloodwork done to make sure I was ovulating (check, at least for one month). The only thing I really have left to get done is a hysterosalpingogram to make sure my fallopian tubes are ok. So we are at least halfway there. I used to think I was a patient person but this whole TTC process is testing that thought :) Good luck with your appointment!
DeleteEverything will happen with time I am sure you will have your baby and be a great mother is just may take some time. Plus nowadays there are so many options to having a baby you will have one one way or another. It is awesome that you have a spouse that is there and strong and supportive when you feel like falling apart. Great job of taking care of Whit Whit Lee! Just take this one step at a time Whit and you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alicia! We are definitely open to many options. The waiting just sucks.
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