The Toughest Parenting Decision I Have Had to Make...So Far

I guess I need to do a recap since I have been MIA during my whole pregnancy. When you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, you hear everyone's pregnancy horror stories. "I had morning sickness everyday!" "I couldn't eat (blank), it made me so sick!" For me, it was easy. I had morning sickness for exactly one week. No foods made me sick. I only had an aversion to smelly veggies and asparagus tips (because of the texture) during my first trimester. I remember during one meal, I turned down meat with my mac n' cheese because I didn't feel like chewing. During my last two months, I got gestation diabetes. I had to test my blood sugar and watch my diet. The diet wasn't that hard because I was pretty much was following the diet already. I just had to move around when I had certain foods because they spiked my blood sugar, mainly having milk in the morning. Other than that, it was a really easy pregnancy.

Thanks to being 5 centimeters dilated when I went to be induced at 39 weeks, my labor and delivery was a breeze! It was also a breeze thanks to an epidural :) I was in labor for 6.5 hours and after only 22 minutes of pushing, our positively, absolutely beautiful daughter was born at 12:45 pm and weighed 6 lbs 7 oz at 20.5 cm long. Lee was awesome in the delivery room. He knows me well enough that I didn't need him to fuss over me. He knew when I needed him and when I didn't. And I got what I wanted out of him during the delivery. To see him tear up a little when Lil O was born. I was surprised I didn't cry when she was born but I was probably too caught up in the craziness of the delivery room. But the crying came much later in our recovery room the next day. They had taken Lil O to check her vitals, leaving Lee and I in the room. He had made a geeky comment on my Facebook page how I unlocked a mom achievement (video game reference). I gave him a kiss and a hug. That is when it all sunk in and the waterworks started for both of us. I was a mom and he was a dad.

I guess this blog will now turn into my domesticated journey into parenthood but never forgetting where we started with our short journey with infertility. We plan on having another child so we will see what happens there in a few years.

Now, for the toughest parenting decision I have had to make...so far. 

Now Lil O is 2 months old and she has been a pretty easy, happy baby. Everything has been pretty easy except breastfeeding. When people asked me if I was going to breastfeed or formula feed, I proudly told them "breastfeeding of course" since I knew the benefits of breastfeeding for both mom and child. You always hear about the benefits but you never hear that it can be hard! I tried and tried the first day and night at the hospital but Lil O didn't seem to get it. After seeing the lactation nurse the next day, I found out that my nipples are flat which makes it harder for the baby to latch on. She gave me a nipple shield to help Lil O latch on better and set me up with a breast pump to "draw the nipples out." I kept at it but it still didn't seem to work. Then at 2 am with Lil O crying because she was hungry since she couldn't get anything from me, we decided to give her formula. I felt so relieved and I'm sure she did too.

It was a relief to be home from the hospital. No more people coming in your room to take your blood at all hours of the night. I continued to try to breastfeed with the nipple shield but it wasn't happening. Lil O would just get frustrated causing me to stress out because my baby was hungry and frustrated because I couldn't do what women have been able to do so easily for hundreds of thousands of years.

Determined to give my baby breast milk, I decided to exclusively pump but that didn't relieve any stress. I was in a constant loop of pumping, feeding, and washing pumping equipment. Pump, Feed, Wash. Pump, Feed, Wash. Even if I was ready to venture out into the world again, I couldn't because I was tied to my pump. I was pumping every 3 hours since Lil O was feeding every 2-3 hours. I decided if I was going to be able to function, I had to change how often I pumped. I pumped every 4 hours which then turned into every 6 hours when Lee went back to work after being off for 6 weeks.

Pumping every 6 hours worked out well. I was able to venture out in public, visit friends, and grocery shop between pumps. I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to pump in addition to feeding Lil O so I got more sleep. It was always in my mind when I had to pump next and when I had to feed her. Dreading the times when they would overlap. I kept attempting to breastfeed. Hoping that she would take because that would make things so much easier. I wouldn't have to do double the work anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about having to rush home to pump or make sure I brought my pump with me. I could just pop out a boob. Problem solved. Happy, full baby and no more engorged boobs.

But after 1.5 months, pumping had taken its toll. I started to hate pumping but I kept doing it because it was what was best for Lil O. I started thinking about going back to work. How was I going to deal with pumping and getting myself and Lil O out the door? I knew pumping at work wouldn't be a problem since I have my own office. But what happens if I had to go sampling? Field work is stressful enough trying to make sure you collected all the samples you needed before the day ended. How was I going to fit in pumping. Let's not forget that I would be dealing with contaminated groundwater. I would be so stressed that I contaminated my breast milk!

This week, after almost 2.5 months of pumping, I came to a decision. Originally, I was going to work down to pumping every 12 hours. It would help with my work schedule and that way Lil O would at least get some breast milk and they say some, no matter the amount, is better than none. I researched if it was possible and some people said they had done it and some said they noticed a decrease in supply. I noticed I was the latter. I thought it was going to take some time to notice a decrease but for me it happened pretty quickly. I wasn't pumping as much as I did and I noticed it had a more watery appearance which couldn't be good to satisfy Lil O's hunger. I made the painful decision to stop pumping. Besides the freezer stash I have, no more breast milk for Lil O. Yes, I could go back to pumping more often but that would mean going back to a stress filled day. But what would I rather give my daughter? A stressed out mom who was always worried about giving her daughter what was best for her or do I give her something else that is best for her...a mom.

Hormones or Experience? Or Both?

For some reason this morning I watched The E! True Hollywood Story of Giuliana Rancic. For those that don't know who she is, she is the anchor of E! News and had a reality show with her husband, Bill. Again, I don't know why I watched the special because I don't watch E! News or their reality show. But I did know however, that they dealt with infertility so maybe that is why I watched. They decided to feature their journey with infertility on the show rather than hide it like many other celebrities tend to do. Which goes to show you that infertility affects people of all shapes, sizes, age, background, etc. I don't know if it was the hormones surging through my body. Her describing the feelings she was going through which were the same feelings I felt (failure, jealousy, frustration). The clips of her getting the shots needed to prep for IVF which reminded me that I could have been in that same situation. Or what? But I just started crying. I don't even know this woman, let alone follow her on tv or in magazines but I'm crying along with her because we experienced the same thing. Wanting something that a lot of people take for granted.

I'm grateful that we beat my PCOS and I'm 13 weeks along with a baby that is giving me a relatively easy pregnancy and has what my doctor described as a perfect heartbeat. Our journey only took a year to get pregnant and people will probably think "Oh, that's not that long." But when you are in our situation and go back to before we got pregnant, the uncertainty you deal with makes you feel like you will be trying for forever.

By the way, after surviving breast cancer, Giuliana and Bill are now awaiting the birth of their first child by gestational carrier at the end of the summer.

Until Next Time Infertility!

I have been meaning to write this for a while now so better late than never.

As many of our family and friends already know, we are pregnant!! I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. I (and Lee) still can't believe it. I honestly thought it was going to take longer than it did. We tried for a year exactly which would have been around the time my doctor said we would start the next step dealing with infertility. Fertility drugs.

So let me back up a few weeks that led up to this discovery (some might be TMI but that's a part of baby stuff). A week before we went on vacation, I noticed some cramping but these cramps felt different and weren't around the usual time of my monthly cramping. While on vacation, I had some spotting off and on which I wasn't sure was due to a little embryo implanting or my body deciding to skip a cycle yet again. When I started spotting for the third time in a few days, I got so tired it and just started crying. I was internally yelling at my uterus and telling it to make up its effin' mind. Because yelling at a body part makes total sense!

After our week away and still nothing, I bought a test. Well the 3 pack. Have to go with a deal! If you haven't taken a pregnancy test before, you really should wait until your first morning bathroom visit but after 3 hrs of having the test, I couldn't wait anymore. Took the test and set it aside to finish, um well, peeing. I just happened to look over and there it was...the coveted two pink lines! So there I was, peeing and pregnant. I never thought I would ever cry on a toilet.

Lee was over at the neighbor's house so I had to come up with a way to get him home. "Something is wrong with the computer" guaranteed a no questions asked return home. I put the test by the computer and waited. He came in, stood in the hallway and just asked "What is wrong with it?" I told him to go look at the computer. Lee saw the test and asked "two lines means you're pregnant right?" When I told him a blubbering yes. He hugged me and lifted me off the ground. I swear he was a little misty eyed.

So here we are. Having our occasional "Oh #%@! we are having a baby" moments. After two ultrasounds so far, everything is going well. The baby was moving around quite a bit during the last one. Nausea hasn't been bad and is pretty much gone despite a few occurrences here and there. Even if it did last longer, I am thankful for it because it means we got what we were fighting for.

I'm still on the metformin until the end of my first trimester. I remember hearing that it helps me keep the baby. So now we know for the next one because I'm sure the PCOS will play a factor. Unless I lose even more weight and PCOS might not be a problem anymore.

One thing I am really thankful for is finding an Infertility Awareness Facebook page. It was nice to know that there were other people out there that were dealing with the same thing we were. It may not have been as long of a journey as other's but it was still our journey.

Boobs Begone!

Ugh! I have missed my last two posts. Probably because I have just been bored the last couple of weeks with working out and counting calories. I would probably only work out two times a week when my usual is five. I would do fine during the week with my calorie counting but the weekends weren't the greatest on counting or food choices. But I'm back! With some new motivation because I gained a pound or two :-/ But with some working out I'm below the weight of my last weigh in. I have decided to pick up my workouts a bit. I used to only burn 500 calories so I'm going to push myself a bit further up to 800 calories.

I'm posting a few days earlier than usual because I will be going on vacation this weekend up to Toronto and Niagara Falls. I'm going to try to be good. Big emphasis on try. I'll probably try to have two good meals and one splurge meal. What is in my favor is that by being in the city, we are going to be walking a lot!

So the numbers. Still the same in my waist and hips. What is great is that I have gone down a cup size! Good thing I didin't throw away some old barely worn bras!

Waist: 44 inches
Hips: 44 inches
Bust: 49 inches
Band: 40 inches

Infertility - 2, Lee&Whit - 0

I heard back from my doctor's office about Lee's test results. Low motility. Lazy lil bastards! Not only do we have to deal with womanly infertility but now we possibly have to deal with manly infertility too. My doctor wants him to retake the test in a couple of weeks to confirm the results. If the results are the same, he has to go to a urologist to get checked out.

After I hung up the phone, I went numb. I wanted to fall apart. I used to hate crying but now I guess you can say I have embraced it. It relieves my stress, lets me get out some frustration and it doesn't mean I'm weak at all. The last thing I need is to have another anxiety attack. That one a couple of months ago was my first and my last! I will gladly cry then deal with that mess. I was at work though and I didn't want to have an awkward moment with my boss so I managed to hold it back. 

I told Lee the results when I got home and as usual he was calm about it. Surprised but calm. When I told him  that I almost broke down at work. He told me we still have to retest so I shouldn't get worked up about it. Sometimes I want him to be as worried as much as I am. I guess because I feel like if he worries like I do, he wants a baby really bad. But then that would leave two nervous people and we don't need that! And how he reacts to stress is no indication his desire to have a baby by any means. I'm thankful for his calm demeanor because it keeps me grounded with this whole situation and my usually laid back self needs that.  

Yeah this possible situation sucks but then I got to thinking. Before we found this out, if I wasn't pregnant by May (that marks the 1 year of trying to conceive which means infertility), I would have been put on fertility drugs for who knows how long. But now with possible lazy swimmers, what is the point of trying the "natural" way with fertility drugs if they can't reach the egg in the first place. Does that mean we can just bypass the "natural" way and go straight to in vitro fertilization (IVF)? That cuts out who knows how many months of trying!

The specific procedure that would be done is called intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICPS). During regular IVF, a woman's eggs (after she has taken some drugs to cause her to produce many eggs) are removed from her ovaries and put into a petri dish. The sperm is add to the petri dish to fertilize the eggs outside the body (in vitro). The strongest looking fertilized egg is transplanted back into the woman in hopes that the result will be a successful pregnancy. In the case of ICPS, a single sperm is injected into the egg instead of allowing the sperm to do it themselves. That is your health lesson for the day :)

Maybe there is a silver lining in all of this (possible) male infertility...

Weigh In: 3/15 Mini Goal #2 Met

I have met one of my goals! I am under 220 pounds. That brings my total weight loss to 37 pounds!! Only 43 pounds until my goal. I tried on my summer clothes and out of 12 pairs of capris/shorts, I only kept 3 pairs and 2 of those were for yard work. I went through other pants and I'm getting rid of 18 other pairs of pants. Wow that is a lot of pants! I should have given them away a long time ago. But some of them I was saving so I could fit into them when I lost weight. Surprise! Surprise! When I tried them on and they were too big! Since I don't have anymore summer stuff, I'm going to go shopping this weekend. I'm only going to buy a few basic things since I plan on losing more. Maybe if I like something enough, I will buy the smaller size. When I reach my goal, I plan on going all out with shopping!

Weight - 219 pounds
Waist - 44 inches
Hips - 44 inches
Bust - 50 inches
Band - 41 inches

Happiness Despite the Malfunctioning Ovaries

Lately on my commute into work, I have noticed that I have this sense of calming happiness. Despite dealing with the emotional roller coaster ride of infertility, I am truly happy. How can I not be though? I have an amazing, supportive husband. I have a great family, both immediate and all of my in-laws. And I have to say, I lucked out in the in-law department after hearing some of the stories from friends about theirs. I have a job that I enjoy with a company that really looks after its employees. I have friends that after hearing about my infertility, are sympathetic to my situation and want to know more about infertility. The bonds between some of my current friends have grown stronger and I have reconnected with some old friends that have gone through similar situations. I am losing weight and getting healthy. I feel awesome. I'm loving the way I look. Then I can't forget my two pups. They always seem to know the exact time I need some cuddles.

I guess this happiness is the reason why I want to participate and/or donate to some charities lately. I started a Relay For Life team to raise cancer awareness for the June 1st relay event. My mom and my grandmother are cancer survivors so I wanted to help raise awareness. I am going to start using my couponing skills to get some items really cheap so I can donate them to a local domestic violence charity. I'm even considering volunteering for their after school tutoring program. It was very important to me to better myself so I didn't have to depend on my husband/boyfriend and feel trapped in a bad relationship (in the event I was ever in one) because I had nowhere to go. I wanted to pay it forward and help victims and their children start over.

All in All. I'm pretty happy. Now if only the ovaries would get in gear..